Jayne Without Pity

Life lessons

2009-04-02T03:32:30Z

Here's life advice, from me to you: Do not buy a house.

Am googling selling house roof allowance "filled with rage"

Will keep you apprised of the results.

Edit: Found twitter account of home buyer, FEEL EXTREMELY WEIRD ABOUT IT.

The Second Circuit is probably my least favorite Circuit

2009-03-30T03:39:41Z

Really, majority justice in Thomas v. Board of Education? It was a "pasquinade"? Not just a "satire," or a "lampoon" or even an "anonymous parody"? It was definitely necessary to use the word "pasquinade"? Really? You're sure?

Words I've been using lately

2009-03-05T03:22:35Z

Or perhaps, overusing lately.

Word #1: Cognizant.

I use it as just a fancy way to say "aware." And who doesn't like to be fancy?

Sample sentence: "Ugh, people getting on the bus need to be cognizant of their backpacks instead of hitting me in the face with them."

How much the word irritates my spouse, on a ten point scale: Very low. No visible eye rolls or head shakes when this one is used. 0/10

Word #2: Inflammatory.

This word is great because you can accuse other people of being inflammatory if you dislike what they're saying. Thus you can refuse to engage with the statement without acknowledging its truth.

Sample sentence: "Your description of me forgetting where Starbucks is located was needlessly inflammatory."

How much the word irritates my spouse: Relatively low. 1/10

Word #3: Dreadful.

This word appeals because it conveys such a flat dismissal, especially when applied to a person or entire worldview. Extremely powerful due to its utter negativity.

Sample sentence: "Your new girlfriend is dreadful." (Ouch, right?! That's why it's such a great word!)

How much the word irritates my spouse: Was described as being a word my mom would use. 10/10

Proposed autobiography title, part 2

2009-02-11T05:18:45Z

Sorry I Spilled Mediterranean Salad on Your Bag: The Nearlyanyjedi Story*

*Also based on a true story

If this doesn't make you laugh, I don't even want to know you

2009-01-08T16:14:40Z

Variations of this scene happen to me basically every day

2009-01-05T03:30:06Z

Time: 5:30 p.m.

[Nearlyanyjedi arrives home.]

"I have lots to accomplish around the house, better get started."

"Oh hey they're counting down the 50 best candy bars of all time on TV, definitely need to watch this whole thing."

"Yeah, Whatchamacallit was a pretty good candy bar."

"Oh I remember Charleston Chew, well not like I ate it too often but I definitely remember it being around."

"Choco-Lite? I've never even heard of that, so I'll look it up on Wikipedia, as well as doing all the appropriate follow up research of course."

Time: 11:50 p.m.

[Nearlyanyjedi goes to bed.]

Sounds painful

2008-12-22T22:57:23Z

"The White House on Sunday issued a blistering 500-word response to a scathing 5,000-word article on the front page of Sunday's New York Times that says..."

Is there like a Scoville unit scale for determining the relative snippiness of a communique? Or perhaps it's directly correlated to length? Like if the response had been only 100 words it would have been a scorching rebuttal, or if the NYT piece had been any longer it would have been merely a smoldering rumination?

Recipe

2008-10-19T04:41:25Z

Jaynimoxta

Ingredients:

Steak
Red wine
7-Up
Coca Cola

Steps:

1. Cook steak
2. Try to make red wine reduction sauce for steak; sauce fails.
3. Joylessly consume poorly sauced steak.
4. Wine bottle is open, might as well drink some.
5. Red wine is dag-nasty.
6. A red wine spritzer would probably be okay.
7. Reach into 7-Up box.
7. Despite being in fridge, 7-Up box is empty.
8. Cocksucker! Cocksucker.
9. Grab Coke instead.
10. Go 1:1 with wine and Coke over ice.
11. Yesssssss.

Optional Step 12. Leave oven on for several hours.

Crucial update

2008-09-26T03:36:22Z

I just caught an M&M in my mouth that my husband tossed at me. It did not take as many tries as you would think.

It's hard to sleep in this time zone

2008-08-18T05:09:24Z

The heart is like the oxen in the yoke of personality: powerful but stupid.

Today my mom mentioned doing something with the money that was in K's college fund. My heart immediately twinged and it said "You can't do that! He might need it, because maybe he'll still come back!"

And my brain sighed and said "Heart, how many times do we have to go over this? He's not ever coming back."

And my heart said, "...maybe, though!"

The heart is a slow learner.

nearlyanyjedi @ 2008-08-04T21:25:00

2008-08-05T04:35:36Z

One year ago today, I ate some special cake. Married cake.

So far it has gone from great to awesome. I recommend marriage to everyone, or at least everyone who can find an amazing person like Zach.

Today at the office I complained to anyone who would listen that it's my anniversary and here I am at work. Steve said, "Well, the first anniversary *is* the paper anniversary, isn't it?" and gestured to the papers on my desk. Steve is approximately my favorite person at the firm.

Oops

2008-08-01T06:12:53Z

Number of days this took: 21
Number of people who helped: 0

Don't let this happen to someone you love. Friend Don't Let Friends Move Away From Husband, Family, and Friends For Three Friggin Months.(tm)

A Juhl homage

2008-07-20T07:05:42Z

Things that nothing's gonna do, according to the hits of the '80s:

-Break my stride
-Change my love for you
-Stop me now
-Stop us now

This is how I live now

2008-07-19T06:20:51Z

Thank you for joining us for another thrilling episode of Things Jayne Wonders. Tonight's episode:

"Did I ever finish that banana, or is it just laying around somewhere?"

This has been...Things Jayne Wonders

Hi folks, I'm still alive and making a token effort at running

2008-07-11T05:24:48Z

June's foot mileage: 24

Read now and receive bonus recipe!

Gin Jayne-let

Rose's Lime Juice (I guess if you can find a different kind of lime juice, good on ya, but that would be suprising to me) - Some
Bombay Sapphire Gin - A bunch

Drink should be pale green; it should slide down your gullet on a hot summer evening.

And to the couple in front of me at Safeway, snickering at the fact that I was just buying booze and mixer: you're both unfuckable. Enjoy your evening.

Memo

2008-06-26T03:47:02Z

To: Fellow female summer associate
From: Nearlyanyjedi
Re: The way when they take us out to lunch, you will eat a tiny portion of whatever, and then go on with the "Oh my God, there's sooooo much food here, I'm sooooo full, aren't you sooooo full?"

You know what? Eat, or don't eat, whatever, I don't care. Just don't try to make me participate in your little food shame ritual.

This was one of more than a dozen similar

2008-06-21T05:18:17Z

There is only one word I can add to this, and that word is LOL.

Probably just oversensitive about this

2008-06-15T22:52:51Z

From the AP:

IOWA CITY, Iowa - A week's work of frantic sandbagging by students, professors and the National Guard couldn't spare this bucolic college town from the surging Iowa River, which has swamped more than a dozen campus buildings and forced the evacuation Sunday of hundreds of nearby homes.

Bucolic? Really? Iowa City is bucolic? Inhabited by rustic peasant folk? "Oh please National Guard, save our little university! We're a simple people, it's all we have! If it's gone, where shall we have our idyllic harvest festivals and May-pole dances?"

Also our house is supposedly fine, it's on high ground.

Not that I would want any hugs from these people

2008-06-02T03:29:42Z

May's foot mileage - 10.2 miles. Moving across the country and working like a grownup kept me way too busy this month.

Here's a great description of work from my friend Mary, who (thank God) works at the same firm I do: "I didn't giggle once today. There were no giggles and no hugs." Life as a summer associate, everyone: high pay, fancy lunches, but no giggles, no hugs.

Recipe

2008-05-27T04:07:33Z

Stinkbreath sandwiches

Pita bread - Little mini ones are fun
Baba ghanoush
Salsa cruda - Heavy on the onions brother

Put the baba ghanoush on the pita bread. Then put the salsa on the baba ghanoush (it will act as glue). Some grilled chicken would be good here too, if you know how to make grilled chicken; I don't (not kidding). Putting falafel in here would be the ultimate though. If you know how to make falafel you and me should be friends.

Consume only when husband is 2000 miles away. Tears of loneliness are a nice garnish but strictly optional.

I am a person who has a job now.

2008-05-23T03:46:27Z

I wake up in the morning hours. I drive to an office. I turn on my computer and make daily lists of tasks to accomplish and people to touch base with. I send multiple emails per day, none of which consist of links to YouTube, icanhascheezburger or Cute Overload. Hilarious!!

Details of where or what I do at work will not appear in this space, as the recruiting coordinator pretty much put the fear of God into us re: blogging about work. However, you can probably expect a lot of descriptions of what food did I eat today.

Today I had mango beef. Beef! With mango! That's California I guess (folksy Midwestern headshake).

Rule 7.3 of Professional Responsibility

2008-05-07T04:21:59Z

"A lawyer shall not solicit professional employment from a prospective client by [...] real-time time electronic contact..."

[lawdood has signed on]
lawdood: wuts up heard u had car accident
PiGurl87: ha ha yea
lawdood: u should prolly sue
PiGurl87: o rly?
lawdood: ill do it lol
lawdood: i can haz contingency fee?

Since you're keeping me honest

2008-05-05T20:37:18Z

April's foot mileage: 12 miles

This month's excuse is, uh, um, not sure actually. Yes, I am aware that some people can and do run 12 miles at one time, without even stopping.

Memo

2008-04-30T21:32:16Z

To: Phoenix Suns
From: NearlyAnyJedi
Re: '08 Playoffs performance

[sarcastic clapping]

This entry will be jibberish to anyone not in my academic field*

2008-04-28T17:30:29Z

Sometimes when I need to bluebook I like to cheat and just shephardize the material and find a citing reference and then just do a little Ctrl-C/toggle/Ctrl-V. But sometimes I am working with secondary material and no one has cited it yet. That makes me feel sad for the author. I want to send them an email and let them know that I am citing them in my paper. Cheer up, uncited law review article author! You'll make it to the big time someday.

*But if Ransom can do it, so can I.